Howdy Y'all..I'm back from Dallas, safe..and all in one piece..go figger, WHEW!!

Well I see the state of Texas has given back them lil kids to their mothers, it's ABOUT dayymm TIME!! They took away 400 and sumpin' kids from their mama's and wuz gonna put 'em all in to Foster Homes?? GEZZ! OK, I understand they gotta protect the young'uns and I agree wif that whole-heartedly, but puttin' 'em in Foster Homes is not the answer. I say if the mama's get out and stay out of the cult religion then let 'em alone. If the mama's don't get out..then take the young'uns away for them, huh? Even a better way to handle this is to just castrate the old farts that jumped them young girls and then they could all go back to the cult. Hey, I castrate many a young steer in my time and me and 'Ol Podunk would be more'n happy to do the cuttin'. just to help the State out!!

So anyway.... I stayed with my son in Dallas for a few days over the Holiday (I guess it wuz my son?). I mean him and his wife wuz real nice to me. She likes to talk loud tho, I reckon cuz she thinks I'm deaf? I told her I wuz Older'n Hell but my hearin' wuz good..it didn't matter, she still talked loud? Also she smiled at me a lot, loved to pat me on the shoulder and wuz always sayin' "Bless Your Heart". Like the times when I tried to sneak outta the house and go to a bar or like the time when they caught me in the liquor cabinet..or when they caught me on the phone with 900-SLUTS...all she would do is smile at me and shake her head, pat me on the shoulder and say stuff like, "He don't have any idea what he's doing..Bless His Heart".

Now, they put me down stairs in my own lil room, complete with a fridge, tv and my own bathroom. It wuz really nice. I've always been a early riser, I usually get up around 6:30 AM. Every mornin' when I woke up I'd go to take a whiz and I would hear my son, (sounded like he wuz out on the upstaris balcony) doin' a Tarzan Yell! Really, I mean it sounded just like Tarzan !! Ayyy..eee..ieiie... yyy..e.. EYYYE!! You know the sound. So I'm thinkin' either he is into Yoga or sumpin' or else he's just taken care of his wife and he feels great or he just has this thing about how to greet a new day? But for whatever reason he makes this loud yell EVERY mornin'.

On my last night there him and his wife comes down stairs and he says to me, 'Pop, I usually take a shower first thing in the morning, so if you have to go to the bathroom in the morning...don't flush..ok?" And the lady says to me, "Bless His Heart."

My son (Hell I guess it's my son, some young guy that comes to see me a lot anyway?) wants to fly me to Dallas for the long Memorial Day Weekend. I never miss a chance to get the Hell outta here but flyin'.....geez? Airplanes just ain't safe folks!!

Last year I flew from Dallas to Houston. The lil stewardess gave us the safety talk before the flight and wuz showin' us how to put of this inflatable life vest....once again the flight wuz from DALLAS to HOUSTON!! Evidently this wasn't gonna be a Direct flight? I mean dayymm, I don't want sumpin' around my neck that floats in case this sum-bitch goes down, I want sumpin' that'll bounce my old ass out of a corn field!

I read about a plane in New Jersey that was sittin' on the run way and sumpin' happened in the toilet and the WING FELL OFF, It fell the Hell OFF!! Next time your flyin' and you need to go to the bathroom and then you wanna flush...you better think a "dayyymmm" gain!

I wuz in the Bahamas a few years ago and we had to get on this little Puddle Jumper plane to fly from one island to another...about a 15 minute flight, k? The lady at the desk as me "How much do you weigh?" I replied "Why do you need to know?" She said, and I swear to God, "So we'll know how much gas to put in the plane." How much gas to put in the PLANE??? I told her, "I weigh 600 pounds, Dayymm, fill it up! I'll pay the difference, fill this Sum-bitch UP!!" I'll be dayyymed if I wanna die cuz some fat lady lied about her weight!!

Hey, y'all have a great long, holiday weekend and if I don't die, I'll see y'all next week.

The doc came by last week on his monthly visit to ask ery'body how we wuz doin'. I know this a little delicate.. but I've been havin' hemorrhoid problems. So I tell the doc, "Doc, I got Hemorrhoids..bad!" He said "I'll be the judge of that!" So he walks over to this big 'Ol piece of sheet metal on the wall and takes out a magic marker and draws a lil bitty circle on it and says to me, 'Walk over there and put your nose in that circle." So I did.

He pushed a lil button on the other side of the room and this whole chunk of sheet metal starts to move back away from the wall..all the time it's breakin' over in the middle. When it finally stopped I'm bent over like a double barrelled shotgun. He pulls out this "Big enuf for two" Sears umbrella that he's done striped all the cloth off of and sticks the point of the umbrella down into a bucket of 30W Havoline motor oil and then inserts the whole thing up my hiney. It hurt like Hell, But I couldn't move forward and I damn sure wasn't gonna back up!! He put the handle end of the umbrella against his stomach and then with a might shove he POPPED opened the umbrella up and said, "Well now, let me take a look in here." I said "DAMN Doc..what ya lookin' for...a parkin' spot?"

He pushed another button on the floor and it rasied my butt up in the air. He then pluged in a drop light with a 300 watt explosion proof bulb in it and dropped in down inside me...he looked around for a minute and said..."Damn, you got Hemorrhoids!"

No SHIT!!

Howdy Y'all. Hey, I ain't dead I've just been lazy lately so I APOLOGIZE Ms.V for not writin' nuttin'....OK??

Good news bad News here in Texas. Bad news first, Aliens landed. Good news....they're eatin' politicians and pizzin' gasoline!

Speakin' of politicians, this numb nuts that's runnin' for the state legislature came by the Home yesterday on account of we can all still vote and he is willin' to charter a bus and carry us to the polling booths on elections day. Of course he's all for Old People and stuff (yeah right) but I don't care one way or t'other since I always take advantage of any chance to get outta here. So anyway, this Turd Head was walkin' thru and shakin' hands and stuff and 'Ol Lucious Peters (who is totally whacked out) kept tuggin' at his coat and callin' him Nurse and tellin' him he needed his medicine. So the politician kept tryin' to get away from Lucious, right? Of course I kept tellin' Lucious he wuz kind'a lookin' poorly and he ought'a ask the NURSE with the 3 piece suit on for his medicine (ain't I a stinker?)

Anyway, finally the politician got tired of pullin' away from 'Ol Luciouc and said to him "Sir, Do you know who I AM?". 'Ol Lucious replied, "Ask one of the nurses, they'll know."

Howdy folks, I'm back. Yeah, yeah, yeah...I had another birthday, who'd a thunk it huh? And as bad as that makes me feel you ought'a see some of the folks in here that lost the pool on if'n I would even have another one or not? Even worse that that you ought'a see how pizzed off Nurse Cratchet is!!!

So anyway, to celebrate, me and 'Ol Podunk snuck out of the Home by hidin' in the back of the Polident Van that brings us a load every Friday. We jumped out downtown when he stopped for a red light. Ever thing looked different to me. Of course I ain't been out of the Home since '91 when we got all them really bad spring storms and they wuz afraid we were gonna get hit by a tornado soooo they moved us to a mobile home park, for safety...?

So me and 'Ol Podunk are standin' on the corner in what looked like a bad part of town. I decided to roll me a smoke. I keep my Bull Durham tobacco and papers in this little plastic (lock top) sandwich baggie thing so nurse Cratchet can't smell it and take it away from me. So I pulls out my lil bag and this young feller drives up and says "Hey Old Dude, you're a little old to be dealing aren't you?" and I says "Dealin'? Dealin' whut? Whut in the Hell are you a talkin' about" and he says "Smoke Man..SMOKE! How Much for the bag?" and I says "I don't wanna sell it" and he says "How about a hundred dollars?" and I says "Sold...and ya can have the papers for nuttin' young feller". So I hand the kid this my bag of Bull Durham and just about that time a cop turns the corner and this kids tears out of there like a scalded dog, I reckon he really needed a cigarette and he wuz under age to smoke? Me and Podunk ducked down behind some garbage cans and his til the cop drove on by.

By now Podunk is gettin' hungry so we start lookin' for a place to eat, Podunk says he wants some fried chicken and that sounded good to me too. About 3 blocks down the street we ran into this old wino, Rufus, who asked us for our spare change so he could eat. I told him I didn't have any change, all I had was this hundred dollar bill, but if he'd show us a good place to find some fried chicken like a KFC or a Popye's or sumpin' I'd buy his supper. So he took us to this real, real nice place called Hooters. I'll tell ya, the chicken wuz good, but them wuz the nice'est lil waitresses I've ever seen. Hooters must not pay 'em much cuz all of 'em wuz wearin' shorts and t-shirts that wuz waayy to little...they prolly had bought the uniforms years ago and couldn't afford new ones? But them lil old gals wuz friendly as Hell! And when they all gathered around me and started singin' "Happy Birthday" to me..ya know all kind'a hugged up and all with them lil tight shirts....(gulp) I felt like I wuz 98 again!! We wuz havin' one Helluva time when Nurse Cratchet and 2 of them damned White Coats showed up jumped us.

So I just got out of the broom closet, but all in all I had a wonderful B'Day!