Howdy Gang! Well Nurse Cratchett is on the prowl again lookin' for someone to participate in some medical experiments. Texas A & M always comes here to the Y'all Come Back Saloon, Nursing Home and Fertilizer Plant when they wanna try sumpin' out. I reckon they figger What the Hell, if we kill somebody at the Nursing home it ain't like we kilt somebody who wasn't gonna die soon anyway? Although they have a Point, I ain't in no hurry to go, know what I mean?

Anyway, this Ya Hoo from A & M named professor Snicklefritz comes up with this pill that's is 'sposed to tighten up lose skin and this battery ya put up your..uhhhh...wang (for lack of a better word and cuz girls sometimes read this blog) that is 'sposed to cure erectile dysfunction. Hell I had ED back in days when it wuz still called Old Age and I wasn't about to volunteer. But Nurse Cratchett has this cattle prod on the end of this lil stick she carries around with her and when they asked for volunteers she goosed me in the butt and I yelled and I wuz elected!

Sooo....Ive got this Sears "Dies With a Hard On" battery up the 'Ol wang and I've been takin' the pills for a week. results.....

Every time I blink my eyes my toes curl up and ...

Every time I walk by the TV the channels change
Every time I walk by the micro-wave the bell rings
I am totally erect..which means every time I pee I get it all over my face!

Here's some stuff you might as well get to use to..ya young "whupper-snappers". Some companies and people are always gonna have the upper hand and there ain't a daymmm thing you can do about it.

Insurance Companies sets your premiums...

Oil Companies set gas prices...

Utility Companies set rates....

Uncle Sam sets taxes...

Budweiser sets beer prices...

Marlboro sets cigarette prices....

King Edward sets cigar prices...

Your wife sets up supper time at the exact time the football game starts...

Your kids are always broke....

Your dogs always like to pee on your recliner leg.....

Your phone is always gonna ring when you get in the shower...

You're never gonna meet anyone ya know at Wal-Mart unless you're britches are ripped and you're bare-footed with your big toe nail missin'...

You're never gonna realize there ain't no toilet paper at the Pizza Hut until it's to late....

If you've had more than 3 beers on a Sunday afternoon, your wife's preacher and wife will come visiting...

Your Mother-in-Law always call on Saturday mornings at 5:30 AM to tell you her car won't start...

If you're giving a speech at your kids school in front of the entire class, your private parts will start itching...


AND THERE AIN'T A DAYYYM THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!

OK, I ain't got nuttin' to say but V is threating to revoke my Bloggin' privedleges if'n I don't say sumpin'. Soooo, to "V", dearest lady, duz this work for you? (psssttt, obtw) If you wanna see a lil gal that's go more stuff goin' on than a 3 ring circus..check out that blog!!

Howdy Y'all..I'm back from Dallas, safe..and all in one piece..go figger, WHEW!!

Well I see the state of Texas has given back them lil kids to their mothers, it's ABOUT dayymm TIME!! They took away 400 and sumpin' kids from their mama's and wuz gonna put 'em all in to Foster Homes?? GEZZ! OK, I understand they gotta protect the young'uns and I agree wif that whole-heartedly, but puttin' 'em in Foster Homes is not the answer. I say if the mama's get out and stay out of the cult religion then let 'em alone. If the mama's don't get out..then take the young'uns away for them, huh? Even a better way to handle this is to just castrate the old farts that jumped them young girls and then they could all go back to the cult. Hey, I castrate many a young steer in my time and me and 'Ol Podunk would be more'n happy to do the cuttin'. just to help the State out!!

So anyway.... I stayed with my son in Dallas for a few days over the Holiday (I guess it wuz my son?). I mean him and his wife wuz real nice to me. She likes to talk loud tho, I reckon cuz she thinks I'm deaf? I told her I wuz Older'n Hell but my hearin' wuz good..it didn't matter, she still talked loud? Also she smiled at me a lot, loved to pat me on the shoulder and wuz always sayin' "Bless Your Heart". Like the times when I tried to sneak outta the house and go to a bar or like the time when they caught me in the liquor cabinet..or when they caught me on the phone with 900-SLUTS...all she would do is smile at me and shake her head, pat me on the shoulder and say stuff like, "He don't have any idea what he's doing..Bless His Heart".

Now, they put me down stairs in my own lil room, complete with a fridge, tv and my own bathroom. It wuz really nice. I've always been a early riser, I usually get up around 6:30 AM. Every mornin' when I woke up I'd go to take a whiz and I would hear my son, (sounded like he wuz out on the upstaris balcony) doin' a Tarzan Yell! Really, I mean it sounded just like Tarzan !! Ayyy..eee..ieiie... yyy..e.. EYYYE!! You know the sound. So I'm thinkin' either he is into Yoga or sumpin' or else he's just taken care of his wife and he feels great or he just has this thing about how to greet a new day? But for whatever reason he makes this loud yell EVERY mornin'.

On my last night there him and his wife comes down stairs and he says to me, 'Pop, I usually take a shower first thing in the morning, so if you have to go to the bathroom in the morning...don't flush..ok?" And the lady says to me, "Bless His Heart."

My son (Hell I guess it's my son, some young guy that comes to see me a lot anyway?) wants to fly me to Dallas for the long Memorial Day Weekend. I never miss a chance to get the Hell outta here but flyin'.....geez? Airplanes just ain't safe folks!!

Last year I flew from Dallas to Houston. The lil stewardess gave us the safety talk before the flight and wuz showin' us how to put of this inflatable life vest....once again the flight wuz from DALLAS to HOUSTON!! Evidently this wasn't gonna be a Direct flight? I mean dayymm, I don't want sumpin' around my neck that floats in case this sum-bitch goes down, I want sumpin' that'll bounce my old ass out of a corn field!

I read about a plane in New Jersey that was sittin' on the run way and sumpin' happened in the toilet and the WING FELL OFF, It fell the Hell OFF!! Next time your flyin' and you need to go to the bathroom and then you wanna flush...you better think a "dayyymmm" gain!

I wuz in the Bahamas a few years ago and we had to get on this little Puddle Jumper plane to fly from one island to another...about a 15 minute flight, k? The lady at the desk as me "How much do you weigh?" I replied "Why do you need to know?" She said, and I swear to God, "So we'll know how much gas to put in the plane." How much gas to put in the PLANE??? I told her, "I weigh 600 pounds, Dayymm, fill it up! I'll pay the difference, fill this Sum-bitch UP!!" I'll be dayyymed if I wanna die cuz some fat lady lied about her weight!!

Hey, y'all have a great long, holiday weekend and if I don't die, I'll see y'all next week.

The doc came by last week on his monthly visit to ask ery'body how we wuz doin'. I know this a little delicate.. but I've been havin' hemorrhoid problems. So I tell the doc, "Doc, I got Hemorrhoids..bad!" He said "I'll be the judge of that!" So he walks over to this big 'Ol piece of sheet metal on the wall and takes out a magic marker and draws a lil bitty circle on it and says to me, 'Walk over there and put your nose in that circle." So I did.

He pushed a lil button on the other side of the room and this whole chunk of sheet metal starts to move back away from the wall..all the time it's breakin' over in the middle. When it finally stopped I'm bent over like a double barrelled shotgun. He pulls out this "Big enuf for two" Sears umbrella that he's done striped all the cloth off of and sticks the point of the umbrella down into a bucket of 30W Havoline motor oil and then inserts the whole thing up my hiney. It hurt like Hell, But I couldn't move forward and I damn sure wasn't gonna back up!! He put the handle end of the umbrella against his stomach and then with a might shove he POPPED opened the umbrella up and said, "Well now, let me take a look in here." I said "DAMN Doc..what ya lookin' for...a parkin' spot?"

He pushed another button on the floor and it rasied my butt up in the air. He then pluged in a drop light with a 300 watt explosion proof bulb in it and dropped in down inside me...he looked around for a minute and said..."Damn, you got Hemorrhoids!"

No SHIT!!

Howdy Y'all. Hey, I ain't dead I've just been lazy lately so I APOLOGIZE Ms.V for not writin' nuttin'....OK??

Good news bad News here in Texas. Bad news first, Aliens landed. Good news....they're eatin' politicians and pizzin' gasoline!

Speakin' of politicians, this numb nuts that's runnin' for the state legislature came by the Home yesterday on account of we can all still vote and he is willin' to charter a bus and carry us to the polling booths on elections day. Of course he's all for Old People and stuff (yeah right) but I don't care one way or t'other since I always take advantage of any chance to get outta here. So anyway, this Turd Head was walkin' thru and shakin' hands and stuff and 'Ol Lucious Peters (who is totally whacked out) kept tuggin' at his coat and callin' him Nurse and tellin' him he needed his medicine. So the politician kept tryin' to get away from Lucious, right? Of course I kept tellin' Lucious he wuz kind'a lookin' poorly and he ought'a ask the NURSE with the 3 piece suit on for his medicine (ain't I a stinker?)

Anyway, finally the politician got tired of pullin' away from 'Ol Luciouc and said to him "Sir, Do you know who I AM?". 'Ol Lucious replied, "Ask one of the nurses, they'll know."