It's Tuesday here at the Yall Come Back Saloon and Fertilizer Plant and I just got thru watchin' President Bush give a lil speech and answer some questions..what a wonderful speaker! I understood exactly what he wuz sayin', I hope they have a (red neck translation) button for the rest of y'all? Can y'all turn a button and get one of them scroll thingies that run under the picture to tell ya what he said? You know, like for Spanish speakin' folks and stuff. Anyway....

OK, the way I understand it.... gas is to high, food is to high, mortgages are to high, people are bein' put out of their homes, we need more Student Loans, the war is costin' a fortune, and our soldiers are bein' killed in a war we gotta keep fightin' (according to Knot Head anyway). Did I leave sumpin' out? Knot Head allowed as how we need to drill more oil wells, turn an abandoned military post into a new refinery, squish corn for more gas and keep shootin' terrorist until Hell freezes over, right? Let me see if I can help y'all figger out some of these problems?

1. Sell your car and buy a mule. You'll no longer need gasoline. Not only will you not have to buy gas for your car but a mule grazing on your property keeps you from having to buy gas for lawn maintenance equipment. That will also relieve the need to mash up corn to make gas, the Mule will do it for you. (Mules make a lot of gas, whew)
2. Plow up your manicured lawns, fill up your fancy swimming pools and plant you some potaters, tamaters, beans and such. This will drop the price of food. (use mule droppings for fertilizer)
3. If your lawn looks like a truck farm, the mortgage companies ain't gonna repossess nuttin', how the Hell would they ever sell it to anybody else?
4. Make a video game that's actually tied in with Lending Companies called..uhhh, "Sheena Finds A Student Loan". Put Sheena in a thong, high top boots with 4 inch heels, a top to little for her boobs and give her a sword and a shield. The little geek bastards will have a student loan before supper time.
5. Close down our military bases In Iraq and make refineries out of them. I mean Hell fire, there's so much oil over there you can't walk across the yard without gettin' your shoes nasty! Bring the soldiers HOME!
6. As soon as G.W. gets out of the White House, put a turban on his head and send him to the terrorists as their new leader. If he can do for them what he's done for America...I'll guarantee ya within 6 months all them ass holes will put down their guns, leave the Middle East and be over here driving a taxi, runnin' a Motel 6 or a 7-11.

Ya See how easy it is...use your brains folks, GEEZ!! Now I gotta go. I got this uncomfortable itch in a "private" place. I ain't sure what's causin' it? I wuz readin' a magazine yesterday over in "A" wing and I think I might have a yeast infection?

C'Ya

Me and 'Ol Podunk snuck over into 'A" wing this mornin' on account of this is Lady Exercise Day. A lot of the ladies have been on this Atkins Diet Thingie, which is sort of a good thing, I reckon? Anyway, me and Podunk like to watch all of 'em exercise, the fat and the skinny. But here's sumpin' the ladies might wanna realize? If you weigh 350 lbs and you lose 1oo or so, your body still has enuf skin for 350 lbs. Also, even tho you might feel and look better losin' a lot of weight, you'd be better off sittin' real, REAL still!

When Thelma Watkins got up and started doin' Jumpin' Jacks...geeez!! I'm tellin' ya there wuz enuf extra skin there to make 14 pair of knee high, Cowboy boots. She did a quick turn and knocked Betty Jean down with her arm skin.

Hey? At 87...it might be a little late in life to TONE UP??

Of course Nurse Cratchet run me and 'Ol Podunk off before they got to doin' Squat Thrusts..dayymmm her soul!

Hey Y'all, how's it goin'? I thunk I posted this yesterday but I reckon not? Anywho, Yesterday was BINGO day..Yee hahhh!! Ever Play BINGO with a bunch of old retards? Here's purddy much how it goes...

They give us cards and a handful of beans to cover up the numbers as they call 'en out...ya with me? Next they roll this number basket thingie and then Nurse Cratchet pulls out the first number. Ok, let's say it's G3. She announces "The first number this morning is G3". Then one of the Zombies yells "BINGO!" And before ya know it everybody is yellin' "BINGO..BINGO...BINGO" Geeez!! Sooo, I gave all my beans 'cept one to old man Farkison (a veg) and he ate 'em. Then I took the bean I had left and the straw from my prune juice cup and shot Nure Cratchet in da butt..uh oh, here they come to get me...C'ya

Damn I hate sittin' around this place with all these friggin' Zombies! None of 'em have a clue about nuttin'. I wuz tryin' to watch election stuff this morning and I couldn't get a good argument started with nobody. Hell, if ya can't argue about politics or religion or the weather...what the Hell good are they? This is the first time I paid any attention to who the Hell was even runnin' for president. Not that I really care, they made me quit voting 40 years ago when they caught me and old broad that wuz takin' down the names of the registered voters, in a voting booth together pushing each others buttons... for the third time. I tell ya them folks whut run them voting machines have NO sense of humor!!

Geez there ain't much to like out there tho, huh? That McCain feller, he ain't far from being in here with US, tryin' to remember where he left his teeth. Then there's this lil 'ol anorexic black feller that looks like if you cut his feet off you could stuff him in a coke bottle. And now we got a WOMAN runnin' for president? What the Hell? She's full of shit about practically every thing..I wonder who she had to Skrew to get to that position? It prolly don't matter but I think I'd vote for the Lil Black feller, he's hungry and needs the job, don't ya think?

I also ain't had a car in about 30 years or so, ever since I helped my favorite old bar put in a drive thru (didn't take all that long either, about 30 seconds..with a F250 Ford pick-up) anyway, I can tell when gas gets high by the conversation of visitors here at the home. Gasoline changes from "Gas" to "Damn Gas", i.e...

"I had to stop on the way here and get some Damn gas"
"I just filled up last week with Damn Gas"
"I had to give my wife some money to stop and get some Damn Gas"
"If I don't fill up I'm gonna run outt'ta Damn Gas before I get home"
"Can you believe the price of Damn Gas?"
"You know how much it cost me to fill up with Damn Gas yesterday?"

Ok, it's almost supper time, I think we're havin' Pizza tonite...C'ya

It wuz sort'a dull this mornin' at the Y'all Come Back Saloon Retirement Home and Fertilizer Plant so I sat down and watched the early mornin' news. What the Hell is all this stuff about these religious nuts havin' a compound in Texas, I thunk they only did that in Utah? I got problems with both sides on this mess.

Ya know who I wanna see on TV? Not the poor old mama's but the old Bastards that wuz havin' sex with the 12 and 13 year old girls!! I'll tell ya what ought'a happen to them. Castrate 'em, give 'em breast implants and put 'em in prison. Then they'll find out what it's really like to get SKREEWD against your will!!!!

How come all we see on TV is them poor women wanting their babies back..GAWWD! I'll tell ya what, them ladies will tell the investigators they assassinated John Kennedy if it'll get their kids back! OK, mebee takin' the young girls away from their mama's for counseling or sumpin' makes sense, but what about the babies? They're talkin' about takin' away ALL their kids and puttin' 'em in Foster Homes...I mean ALL the kids???

How in the Coon Dog Hell is that fair to the little kids, or the mama's? Listen up Mr. Law, I helped my daddy make moonshine when I wuz as young as 11. Mama and Daddy both knew it was illegal, but it wuz a way of life. We wuz raised to think it was ok. If he had'a got caught they wouldn't have taken me and my brothers and sisters away from the family and put in a Foster Home, they'd have just put Daddy in jail. And another thing, these women were lettin' this happen cuz they were brought up to believe that wuz what God wanted them to do, they don't know any damn better. Ya know if a smooth talkin' person convinces someone GOD wants them to do sumpin', a kid or a person with no self esteem, or that feels he/she is ignorant, they will usually do it no matter what. For example, how do you think they talk them Camel Jockey's in Iraq in to strappin' on 20 pounds of dynamite and blowin' themselves all to Hell? Most of the time it's kids or women that strap on the dynamite cuz some old Bastard has convinced 'em that's what GOD wants. geez!

OK, now I'm pissed off...let me go find some meaness to get in to...C'ya

It's Friday here, or as a Dear group of ladies I know call it..Kinky Friday. Anywho, this is what me and PoDunk (my old black buddy) did for fun around noon today.

Last week I swiped a jar of KY jelly from the tray Nurse Cratchet pushes around when she's givin' out medicine and stuff. I didn't know what to with it at the time but I figgered it'd come in handy some day..well this wuz the day.

While PoDunk and some of the guys wuz playin' dominoes, I snuck up behind Lamar (our resident fag) and secretly greased the wheels on his electric wheel chair from top to bottom while PoDunk kept him distracted by tellin' him about how well endowed all black men are. Trust me, Lamar was totally in a trance...geez!! When I finished greasin' his chair up, I gave PoDunk a nod. He got up and left the table and announcing he had to go to the bathroom. After a couple of hands I got up and went to the bathroom too. I came out of the bathroom screamin' that PoDunk had passed out, totally naked, in the bathroom and I needed help puttin' his pants on to protect his dignity.

All the guys jumped up to come help, but Old Lamar just sat there spinnin' his wheels...in circles...not gettin' any where...and cryin'..... real tears!!

Gawwd, this wuz a good day!! Now I gotta go hide, Nurse Cratchet is yellin' my name out, lookin' for me..I reckon I'll go hide in the broom closet, that's where I'll end up anyway. Have a great weekend,

C'ya

Well, I had some visitors today. I ain't sure who they were? It wuz either my son and daughter in law Or my daughter and son in law? I figgered that out on account of both of 'em kept callin' me Dad.

They brung me a box of candy which is good. I can trade it over in 'A" wing (the women's side) for...well that ain't none of your business what I can trade it for. I ain't got but one tooth so candy is NOT sumpin' I need. Although it is a viable commodity here at the Home!

They also brought me sumpin' with absolutely NO value...a cellular telephone, Geez! The man, (Joe, Sam, Mike....sumpin' like that, his name escapes me) started tellin' me how they had programed the phone so that each time a different person called, the phone would play a different song. "If Sam calls it'll play The Lone Ranger, if Sally calls it'll play Some Where My Love, if Bill calls it'll play Rocket Man..blah, blah, blah, blaaaahhhh." And each time they would tell me about what song went with what person, they'd smile at me a pat me on the shoulder, like this would make me happy. Yeah Right! I can't remember what the Hell his or her name is but I'm gonna know who's callin' by a friggin song that sounds like a 5 year old kid is playin' it on a toy xylophone? Then he shows me how if I can't hear the person on the other end very well where to raise the antenna. OK, if I raise this monster ass 2 1/2 inch PLASTIC antenna I can hear better, huh? Oh yeah I'm sure with this huge Antenna raised I could prolly pick up Tokyo!!

After all the instructions they handed it to me with great pride. Like they wuz givin' me sumpin of huge importance. I took the lil flat, shiny phone, dropped it on the freshly waxed linoleum floor, turned my cane upside down and made a Wayne Gretzky shot. I Hockey Pucked that lil sum-bitch down the long hallway. It hit the south wall and exploded like a hand grenade. Oh by the way, it started playin' "I Go To Pieces" by Patsy Kline when it hit the wall.

I heard PoDunk say, "It must be Shuffle Board Day" as the lil phone bounced off 2 wheelchairs and zipped between Nurse Cratchet's feet at about 80 mph.

"Look... Bill, Sam, Mike or whatever in the Hell your name is. You wanna make me happy? Bring me 2 cases of Bud Light and some old doped up, out of her mind, Biker Broad that ain't all that particular, K?"

Nurse Cratchet tackled me from behind and now they have me Duct Taped to the plumbing in the broom closet. I tell ya, these people have NO sense of humor!

Well, it's Wednesday here at the Yall Come Back Saloon Nursing Home and Fertilizer Plant. What do they make fertilizer out of here you might wonder....Don't ask!! All I can tell ya is when someone croaks around here this sum-bitch they always tell the family "Not to worry about the body, they'll take care of it free of charge" ???

Anyway, I was up late, late, LATE last night. Hell, I'll bet it wuz pert near 8:30 before I went to sleep. I told Elmer Farkison to be sure and wake me up by 8 this mornin' so I could watch the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader try out re-runs on ESPN. The old Fart went to sleep watchin' the Farm and Pig Report and didn't wake me up. I woke him up around 9:15...... whuppin' on his damned old head with my cane!! Nurse Cratchet made me quit, she told me not to be mad at him, he has ADD. I don't give a rat's ass who has his phone service, I got Verizon but ya don't see me runnin' around braggin' about it, do ya!!

I think I'll head on over to "A" Wing, the ladies side of the home. This is Exercise Day for the women. Ya never can tell when during the Jumpin' Jacks sumpin' might pop out?

C'ya

My old Black Buddy, PoDunk and me have figgered out a way to get back at Nurse Cratchet. Next week the Old Folks inspectors for the state will be makin' their 6 month check on this Hell Hole soooooooo, here's the plan.

PoDunk's grandson, Luke, is gonna smuggle us in some dried up cow patty's from his farm. Me and Podunk are gonna cram all the cow pattys we can in ours, (and everyone else that's to old to rat us out) diapers. While the Inspector's talkin' to me, I'm gonna keep scratchin' my butt and moanin' until he asks me whats wrong. I'm gonna say, "Oh nuttin' out of the ordinary, I'll just be glad when Friday rolls around so I can get a new diaper." When he inspects my diaper he's gonna have a fit!! Four pounds of dried up poop in about half the populations diapers ought'a get sumpin' stirred up, huh?

Ssshhhhhush UP... Y'all start laffin' to much and they're liable to catch on!!!!

Well it's (Game Day) Monday here at the Y'all Come Back Saloon Retirement Home in Rooster Poot Texas. They set out all the board games and cards and dominoes and stuff on Game Day Monday. Last week at our, "Let's Talk" meeting I told Nurse Cratchet I liked Game Day Mondays and Karaoke Wednesdays and Dance Thursdays. But I asked her why we couldn't have like Porno Movie Fridays? She went off on me..again!! They strapped my old ass down and gagged me and made me watch 4 hours of old Billy Graham Revival tapes..uugghhhh!

Oh Hell! Fred Smith (The Veg, we call him that on account of all he duz is sit around and smile) just done a dumb thing. We wuz playin' Monopoly and it wuz his turn. Just about the time we handed him the dice cuz it wuz his turn to roll, one of the nurses handed him his juice. He put the dice in his mouth and swallowed them with his prune juice....geez! I'll tell ya this, I ain't pickin' up the Monopoly dice when they get 'em back!

I better go hide, somehow nurse Cratchet is gonna blame me for this...C'ya

Well it's Sunday here at the Y'all Come Back Saloon Nursing Home. We had the local Baptist preacher here in Rooster Poot Texas, Rev. Thadeus Jones, come by and give us a 30 minute sermon on how to get to Heaven. I took notes...I don't think I'm gonna make it? 'Specially since Elvira Riggins went to sleep during the sermon and in her relaxed state of mind let her legs open a lil to much. I'll tell ya if I wuz 45 years younger I'd jump her..walker and all! I think Nurse Cratchet slipped medicine in my prune juice, damn her hide! I'm feelin' a lil numb from my waist down and my eyes are waterin'. Either she slipped me sumpin' or the belt holding my colostomy bag is tangled up in my wheel chair wheels again? I better find out.. C'ya

Is this stuff comin' thru? Howdy Y'all. This is my first (and prolly last) Bloggin' attempt. I'm a 96 years old, pizzed at the world, onery old Fart in TX in the "Y'all Come Back Saloon Rest Home"..yeah right, REST HOME! More like a cage for the rotting and stinky! Anyway, I dunno how long I'll be able to talk, Nurse Cratchett is comin' around with a double handful of suppositories to make us crap, and I'm gonna hide in the broom closet til she's gone. We have Muffins for breakfast, boiled eggs for lunch and cabbage with beans for supper and they're worried about us takin' a dump? GEEZ!! Any way, when she gets thru with everybody and figgers out she's got one pill left, She'll ask "who didn't get their medication?" Old Lamar (the only gay here) will raise his hand for sure..with a big smile on his face!! OK, headed to the closet now..think I'll take a leak on the mops while I'm in there? C'ya